and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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