I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
the raccoons are back...
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