If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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