I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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