i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You took a bar mat shot.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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