Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
