just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Two words: nipple clamps
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