i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
