Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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