She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
