Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
