She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
3 2 1 whiskey
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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