Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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