Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
