i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
