SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
