i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
3 2 1 whiskey
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
