Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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