It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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