Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
