I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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