I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
