Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
