We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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