please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize