Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
