you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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