It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
