Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Randomize
