we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
