the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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