I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
