my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
