Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
