I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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