This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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