Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
