I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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