My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
