Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
