I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
