Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
