We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
