just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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