god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
