I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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