final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
