How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I accidentally burped into my bong.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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