I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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