this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize