Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
