It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
