I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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