I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize