evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
