I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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