I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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