It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
