Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize