We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
