She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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