I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
