if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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